


Things We Thought We’d Never Be

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, deep thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22818913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Simon knows what this is - it’s an easy out. Raphael came to check up on him, to make sure he’s alright out here alone, and now that he knows Simon’s fine he’s willing to make his exit to leave Simon in the solitude he clearly wanted.Except Simon doesn’t want to be alone, not really. He thought it’d be better, but now that he has the comfort of Raphael by his side he doesn’t want him to leave, not yet.“Wait-” Simon stops him. “If you wanted to stay,” he continues, wondering if it’s selfish to ask after brushing off his concern earlier in the day. “I wouldn’t mind the company.”----Simon visits his false grave on the anniversary of his 'death'.
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Comments: 18
Kudos: 107
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020, SHBingo





	Things We Thought We’d Never Be

**Author's Note:**

> For my bingo square: Graveyard

Simon stares at the grave with his name on it and frowns. Brother. Son. Friend.

Dead.

Not a lie, technically speaking, but not the whole truth, either.

It’s strange to look at your own grave, Simon thinks. It’s the anniversary of his ‘death’ - the anniversary of the day he gave his mother the false memory of the accident that took his life. He still wonders if he made the right choice, if there isn’t some better solution out there he’s missing, but if there is no one’s told him about it yet.

Rebecca told him that their mother wanted to fly back to New York to visit the grave but decided not to in the end. Simon’s glad, because it’s difficult enough for him to keep his distance while they’re at opposite ends of the east coast… he doesn’t know what he’d do if they’re in the same state again. He isn’t sure he could keep himself away.

He misses his mom. He misses their life before everything went sideways; before Simon’s very existence put her and Rebecca at risk.

He misses the Simon that’s buried where he now stands.

Feigned death aside, Simon has to admit that his life isn’t so bad. There are people here who care about him, and while they may not be his family by blood sometimes the family you find along the way is even stronger.

Simon’s hearing picks up footsteps behind him, a slow, steady heartbeat, and a familiar scent of cologne that tells him he doesn’t need to worry about who is lurking around the cemetery after dark with him. Instead, he takes a few more minutes of silence, reflecting, and doing his best to hide the silent tears that stream down his cheeks until he can compose himself enough to speak.

“You don’t have to creep in the shadows, you know,” Simon calls out to the darkness around him.

The footsteps approach and Raphael comes to a stop a foot or so away.

“I wasn’t _‘creeping’_ ,” Raphael says. “I wanted to give you space.”

“Thanks,” Simon tells him and means it. Raphael knows what this is the anniversary of, even if Simon did his best not to bring it up or remind anyone of it. “How did you know I’d be here?”

“You told me you were ‘busy’ tonight when I asked earlier,” Raphael says simply.

“...and?” Simon prompts, not sure how that could’ve given away anything. In fact, he was intentionally vague for this very reason.

“And,” Raphael continues matter-of-factly. “I’ve never gotten you to answer a question without a 15-minute detailed, rambling explanation or tangent of some kind. This is the only thing I could imagine you’d want to hide.”

“I could’ve… been having a clandestine affair!” Simon offers with a huff, mostly annoyed that Raphael knows him that well. He’s never going to be able to hide _anything_ from him, is he?

“Well, by all means, I’ll allow you to get back to your sordid graveyard liaison,” Raphael says, turning to leave again.

Simon knows what this is - it’s an easy out. Raphael came to check up on him, to make sure he’s alright out here alone, and now that he knows Simon’s fine he’s willing to make his exit to leave Simon in the solitude he clearly wanted.

Except Simon _doesn’t_ want to be alone, not really. He thought it’d be better, but now that he has the comfort of Raphael by his side he doesn’t want him to leave, not yet.

“Wait-” Simon stops him. “If you wanted to stay,” he continues, wondering if it’s selfish to ask after brushing off his concern earlier in the day. “I wouldn’t mind the company.”

Simon can’t bring himself to ask Raphael to stay outright- he doesn’t feel like he deserves to make that request, and if he phrases it like that it'd make the rejection hurt twice as hard as if he plays it off as a casual offer, even if Raphael will see right through it.

“Of course, Simon.” Raphael agrees, and Simon feels the relief flood through him.

Since he knows he’s going to be here a little while longer now, Simon sits down on the patch of grass underneath him, and Raphael does the same, sitting close enough for Simon to reach out to for comfort if he wants, but far enough away that they aren’t touching. It’s courteous and respectful and everything Simon has come to expect of Raphael.

It’s also not what he needs just then. Simon shifts himself closer so that their knees are touching, and looks up at Raphael questioningly. He doesn’t have to ask - just like before, Raphael knows how to read him better than he’d like, and he knows exactly what Simon wants. Reaching an arm out Raphael pulls Simon closer so that his head is resting on Raphael’s shoulder before bringing a hand up to gently thread through Simon’s hair.

They don’t speak at first. Simon isn’t sure what he’d say if they did. It’s a comfortable silence, it always is with Raphael, but it’s still too much for Simon after a while.

“Do you have a grave? I mean, a… a fake one, like this?” Simon finally asks. He knows that all vampires technically have a ‘grave’ they were buried in to turn, but he wonders if this is something Raphael has been through, too.

“No. Once it became noticeable that I wasn’t aging I simply left. It was all I could do, I couldn’t stand the thought of-” Raphael starts, but stops abruptly. “What you did, giving your mother closure? You’re stronger than most of us are at your age.”

Simon gives a short laugh, but it sounds too much like a sob instead. “Funny, I don’t feel too strong right now,” Simon admits.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.” Raphael insists.

Simon’s thoughts wander in the cool night air, thinking of whether his mother will end up buried here because she thinks it’ll be with him… thinking of the fact that he’s never going to be able to be a part of his sister’s life as much as he wants to… thinking of the days, hopefully far, far in the future, where the people he cares about will have _real_ graves for him to visit.

Raphael included.

Raphael’s mind must’ve been in a similar place (which makes sense, because where else can it be sitting in a graveyard) because he suddenly says, “I bought the plot next to Rosa’s for myself.”

It’s said so casually, so matter-of-factly, that it feels more like he’s telling Simon he bought a new suit than a plot of land for his eventual death.

“Do you regret it?” Simon asks. It’s a topic he’s wanted to ask about more than once, but one he never felt comfortable enough to bring up. But here, now, well… it seems to be fitting, almost expected after Raphael’s admission.

“No. I never wanted this life. I adjusted to it, but… I never cared for it, and I was never going to take to it the way many others do,” Raphael says. “This is my second chance.”

“And what if I never take to it?” Simon sighs.

“You’ll figure it out, Si,” Raphael reassures him. “For what it’s worth, I think you’ve adjusted to it rather well already. I haven’t been around as long as some, but I haven’t seen a fledgling take to the Shadow World as quickly as you have.”

Simon considers this. He thinks of Isabelle, Magnus, Alec, Jace, Maia... of Raphael, though he isn’t part of this world anymore. He always thought that without Clary he’d never have a place here, but that isn’t true anymore, is it? He’s found a new life here, a family... love.

At least it's love for Simon. They never quite put a label on this thing between them, which didn’t seem like so big of a deal when they had an eternity to figure it out. But over this past year Simon found himself worrying more and more that Raphael was wasting precious years of the limited life he had left sticking around for him while he continued to stumble through the beginnings of a new life.

“And you don’t- I mean, you said it yourself. This life isn’t for you, and you found a way out of it. Wouldn’t you be happier to leave it _all_ behind?” Simon asks, swallowing down the lump in his throat to force the words out.

They both know what Simon’s really asking - wouldn’t Raphael rather leave Simon behind, too? Simon’s afraid it hurts, to keep that reminder of his past, of the life Raphael was so eager to rid himself of… even if he does, or did, care for Simon. Simon keeps his face turned away, looking down at his hands as he picks a few blades of grass from the ground.

This is a conversation long overdue, but the sudden fear that strikes Simon reminds him _why_ he hasn’t brought it up before now: the fear that talking about it, about _them_ , would end whatever it was they still had.

Instead of answering, Raphael poses a question of his own. “You met me while I was immortal - while we had the promise of eternity together. Would you be happier to leave me behind?”

“Of course not,” Simon answers without hesitation. Losing Raphael one day will hurt, but not as much as losing him now would.

“Good,” Raphael says. “Because my feelings for you haven’t changed just because I have a heartbeat again. It just beats for you now.”

Simon shifts his head from Raphael’s shoulder to his chest, feeling, listening to the pace pick up ever so slightly with a small smile.

“Let’s go home.” Simon doesn’t need to elaborate - home, for as long as each of them will have it, will always be with each other.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
